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I'm having a hard time blogging. I'll think of things to write about, but they always come at the most inopportune times, such as when I'm in the car. And when I finally get the chance to sit down and write, like now, all profound thoughts escape me... 

Plus I have a crying baby who wants to eat. Guess I'll have to blog later...

Blessed

I get kissed by the sun each morning
Put my feet on a hardwood floor
I get to hear my children laughing
Down the hall through the bedroom door
Sometimes I sit on my front porch swing
Just soaking up the day
I think to myself, I think to myself
This world is a beautiful place

I have been blessed
And I feel like I’ve found my way
I thank God for all I’ve been given at the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

Across a crowded room
I know you know what I’m thinking
By the way I look at you
And when we’re lying in the quiet
No words have to be said
I think to myself, I think to myself
This love is a beautiful gift

When I’m singing my kids to sleep
When I feel you holding me
I know I am so blessed

--"Blessed" by Martina McBride

This song came to mind the other day, it's been years since I've heard it. But it really is how I'm feeling at this time in my life. We do have tough spells with Abby, times when we've needed to just put her to bed and let her cry while we set the timer and wait in our own bed... Times where she just wants to be held, but we have other things we need to do... She's been awake a whole lot more, for hours in the morning and hours in the afternoon, and ALL evening... and she gets bored if we just lay her on a blanket or on the couch. 

But slowly she's growing up. She's making more eye contact, and today was fascinated by the toys hanging from her chair in front of her. She's doing more cooing and gurgling, and I think is trying to smile on purpose now. And we're still getting 4-6 hour stretches of sleep each night. She really is a great baby.

I don't know how I would make it without Rocky. This whole pregnancy-baby thing was completely unplanned, but even if we had planned it, I don't think the timing could have been more perfect than it is now. Rocky will be home most of the summer and so 1) can watch Abby's growth and milestones with me, and 2) can spend time with her and take her off my hands when I need a break. Not many wives are lucky enough to have that. And I love watching him interact with her. Sometimes it's just as simple as holding her while she sleeps on his chest, or putting her on his lap and playing with her. Thank you for being here with me, Rock, and being willing to love on Abby as much as you do. We love you. :)

I am so blessed...

Tears

I remember reading somewhere that when newborn babies cry, they don't shed any tears, because their tear ducts haven't completely formed yet. Well I've shed a few of my own tears in the last few days to make up for Abby's lack of them...

The past couple of afternoons have been rough. We've been spending a lot of time at the lake house with Rocky's family, and Abby has gone quite a long time each day without a nap. Oh, she'll relax for 10-15 minutes at a time, but then be back wide awake again, sometimes looking for food and sometimes just staring and listening to all of our voices. Come late afternoon/evening, she'll get fussy. Yesterday was pretty bad.

I tried everything I could think of to get her to calm down -- nursing, changing her diaper, singing, rocking, cuddling, swaddling -- no luck. I figured with how the day had been going she must just be overly tired and needed to sleep but couldn't get there. I spent over an hour trying to get her calmed down enough that I could lay her on the couch upstairs and let her sleep for a few hours. Every time I thought she was almost there -- her eyes were closing and her breathing was changing -- she'd fight it and we'd be right back to the beginning again.

I finally got so sad (not mad or upset -- just downright sad!) that I swaddled her up and laid her on the couch next to me and just sat there while she cried. And I let the tears fall on my own cheeks for her. Part of me felt like a bad mom, for letting her just sit there wailing her little lungs out, and for wanting to fix her but not knowing how to. Part of me just prayed that this would work and she would wear herself out enough to sleep. A big part of me wondered what the rest of the family downstairs must be thinking, and hoping that no one would come up and see me just sitting there...

After 5 minutes or so I finally picked her up again and paced the floor. She quieted down right away. Rocky came in from working outside and I tearfully explained what had been going on. I laid Abby down on the couch, thinking she might finally be falling asleep, but she started crying again as soon as I set her down. Rocky offered to take her for awhile (I love that man!) and told me to go downstairs and relax and get a drink of water. I did, and he took her outside for a walk in the stroller.

She did eventually quiet down, and overnight slept for almost 6 hours straight. She really is a good baby and I love her dearly. I'm SO thankful for a husband who is willing to give me a break, and to hold me while I shed tears for both Abby and I. We've only been at this a week -- we have a lot to learn, but we've also learned so much already.

Hello due date, goodbye due date

Five-fifteen-twenty-ten. It would have had such a wonderful ring to it.

Why does she insist on torturing us like this?? I know, I know... "you've waited 9+ months, what's a few more days?" Sigh... Right now Rocky is playing piano, songs about "come" and "surrender" and "here I am"... hoping to encourage her along.

When will your birthday be, little one?

I only own 3 maternity shirts... and 3 maternity pants... 

I can't wait to wear my normal jeans again. Although I might forget to put up my zipper in the beginning. I've gotten so used to pulling my pants on. 

And I miss my own shirts... t-shirts, button down shirts, tank tops... instead of Rocky's t-shirts all the time... 

And I miss being able to sit close to the table at dinner... and standing closer to the sink when doing dishes... and painting my toenails... and putting on my tennis shoes without it involving a workout... oh and just getting out of bed or a comfy couch without feeling like a beached whale?!

As much as I enjoy your kicks and rolls and watching my belly move... little girl... can I please have my body back soon??

So tired...

The last few days have been tough on my emotions. I've been pretty down lately. I have no motivation to do anything. And it's not because I'm bored -- I have PLENTY to do around here... I've forced myself to keep up with laundry, and the dishes are mostly done... Then I thought hey, I enjoy scrapbooking, and that's a nice quiet activity and sounds moderately fun... 2 hours and ONE page later I give up on that too. Yesterday the rain made me want to just sleep all day... so I tried, off and on throughout the day. Plus I hadn't slept well the night before. Well I didn't sleep much at all during the day yesterday, and I think that only saddened me more. I've heard of post-partum depression, but is there such a thing as PRE-partum?

Luckily Rocky was able to get me out of the house for a bit last night while he helped with Youth Sunday practice at church. Then we had Debbie and Tim over for ice cream and some laughter... So I went to bed last night feeling a bit better. Still slept pretty crummy, my belly is so big it stretches my skin/muscles/ligaments painfully and it's difficult to roll over... which I end up needing to do every hour or so.

But today is a new day, right?? I'm still feeling pretty tired so I'll probably try and take a nap this afternoon... but I'm praying I'll be motivated to do a few other things in the meantime. Just so I can feel proud to have accomplished SOMETHING today... Please pray for me?

...are we ready??

Ten days till my due date. 10. Diez. Dix. Tien. X. So basically I could go into labor at any time. Baby's birthday will probably be sometime in the next week and a half. Are we ready??

• crib/changing table/glider chair set up -- check
• some clothes washed and waiting -- check
• cloth diapers -- should arrive today! disposables on hand for the beginning
• our own laundry caught up -- check
• dishes caught up -- check
• hospital bag packed -- check
• diaper/baby bag packed -- check
• friends and family on speed dial -- check

Physically, I'd say yes, we're ready to go. Emotionally... the confidence comes and goes. Currently, at this exact moment, I do feel ready to have her OUTSIDE my belly, in my arms, watching her grow. I'm ready for my body to start getting back to normal, I'm ready to have a real reason to spend my days at home, I'm ready to see what color hair and eyes she has. I'm ready to be on the "other side" of everything.

Yet at other times I feel soooo not ready. Not ready for constant feeding, not ready for diaper changes, not ready for getting up multiple times a night. Not ready to have another human being relying completely on me as her only means for survival. Not ready to give up the ability to go somewhere or do something on a moment's notice. 

"Come out!!!" Rocky says to my belly. We have another checkup this afternoon. We'll see how ready SHE is...

Cloth Diapering!

We had decided awhile ago we'd like to use cloth diapers on our girl... I've been doing some research the last couple of weeks and finally ordered some today! It's amazing how things have progressed since I was a little one in cloth. I don't even know if disposables were around when I was young. Then it seemed EVERYONE was using disposables for awhile, and now it looks like cloth is making a comeback.

There are so many options to choose from, including all-in-ones, pockets, one-sizes, fitted, prefolds, etc. etc. it was overwhelming at first! But I talked to a few people who CD and made a couple visits to some local shops and was able to (hopefully!) discover what would work best for us. I'm starting with the "Flip" System http://www.cottonbabies.com/index.php?cPath=139 and seeing how it goes...

Yes I'll be doing laundry every couple of days, but since I'll be staying home I'll have the time. And while the start-up cost is pretty high, overall I'll be saving $$ (especially since I'm washing them myself and not using a diaper service). Plus it's that much less junk to go into landfills, and less chemicals next to my baby's bum. And nothing beats hanging things out on the line to dry on a beautiful spring/summer day... :)

Transition to a SAHM

Yesterday was Day 1 of officially being a stay-at-home-mom. I’m struggling with figuring out what my daily schedule is going to look like until baby gets here. I like to get up with Rocky and see him off in the mornings (which I did yesterday). But once he’s gone, my morning-person-ness is wanting to continue on with my day and start working on housework and projects, another part just wants to make a cup of coffee and enjoy the sunrise and birds outside. And yet another part of me knows I only got 6 hours of sleep the night before, so I want to just go back to bed for an hour or two until the sun comes up more – since my body is very affected by sunlight!… I just want to start off this staying-home-thing on the right foot, you know? Part of me wants routine, something I’ll plan to do every day, part of me wants to just go with the flow each day. And of course that flow will change soon enough when I’m working around another’s schedule…

I decided yesterday to see if I could get a little more sleep before attacking my day. I only got another hour, but felt so refreshed afterward! I was able to accomplish a handful of things around the house plus put my feet up and rest a few times... I'm hoping I'll have the desire and energy to keep up with the housework in the coming days, so that when baby comes I can let things slide for a bit...

It could be any day now. It could still be 2 weeks away. We'll see what happens...

Trying this again...

Ok I'm REALLY going to try blogging again. For real this time. More consistently. I've found a few more of my friends who do it, and reading their posts makes me want to write again...

Especially with Baby Roer almost here. This will be a great chance for me to write about her, and what she's up to, and post pictures. Facebook is nice for sharing pictures, but for more in-depth info on what's going on in our lives (and my brand-new experience as a stay-at-home-mom!), I'd like to journal. Even if it's just a few times a week. Or weekly. Or daily. We'll see how it goes!

So now I need a new name for my blog... something to identify it as mine, but not too baby-ish since I'll probably (once in awhile) write about something other than her... Any thoughts??

Mystery

It's still a mystery to me
That the hands of God could be so small,
How tiny fingers reaching in the night
Were the very hands that measured the sky

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King
Here with us
You're here with us

It's still a mystery to me
How His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time
How His ears have heard an angel's symphony
But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King
Here with us
You're here with us

--Here With Us, Joy Williams

I love the verses to this song... Every time I hear it, I get shivers. Sometimes it's easy to picture God as the Creator of the universe, so big and powerful with the angels praising Him up in heaven. And then this time of year it can be easy to picture Jesus as a baby -- we see pictures and nativity scenes all the time, and think aww He's so cute. But how often do we put the two together? This is God -- the One who made us, who makes everything in the world happen so perfectly, who formed the stars and oceans and ladybugs -- as a baby. Like us.

Seeing so many of my friends and relatives with new babies this past year, I look at their pictures and try to imagine God looking like that. And then I think about the little one growing inside of me, and realize God went through that part too...

The last part of the second verse really gets to me, even brings me to tears sometimes: "How His ears have heard an angel's symphony -- But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep..." Wow. I picture Mary cradling Him close, looking into His eyes, singing to Him as His eyes drift closed in peaceful sleep... Did she sing Psalms to Him? Did she realize she was actually holding and singing to the One those Psalms were written about and for? Was she a good singer? I'm sure it was nothing compared to the angelic choir He had just left... Yet there is nothing quite like the voice of a mother.

It's still a mystery to me...

mys*ter*y [mis-tuh-ree, -tree] -- noun
1. anything that is kept secret or remains unexplained or unknown
2. any affair, thing, or person that presents features or qualities so obscure as to arouse curiosity or speculation
-dictionary.com