Trying this again...

Ok I'm REALLY going to try blogging again. For real this time. More consistently. I've found a few more of my friends who do it, and reading their posts makes me want to write again...

Especially with Baby Roer almost here. This will be a great chance for me to write about her, and what she's up to, and post pictures. Facebook is nice for sharing pictures, but for more in-depth info on what's going on in our lives (and my brand-new experience as a stay-at-home-mom!), I'd like to journal. Even if it's just a few times a week. Or weekly. Or daily. We'll see how it goes!

So now I need a new name for my blog... something to identify it as mine, but not too baby-ish since I'll probably (once in awhile) write about something other than her... Any thoughts??

Mystery

It's still a mystery to me
That the hands of God could be so small,
How tiny fingers reaching in the night
Were the very hands that measured the sky

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King
Here with us
You're here with us

It's still a mystery to me
How His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time
How His ears have heard an angel's symphony
But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King
Here with us
You're here with us

--Here With Us, Joy Williams

I love the verses to this song... Every time I hear it, I get shivers. Sometimes it's easy to picture God as the Creator of the universe, so big and powerful with the angels praising Him up in heaven. And then this time of year it can be easy to picture Jesus as a baby -- we see pictures and nativity scenes all the time, and think aww He's so cute. But how often do we put the two together? This is God -- the One who made us, who makes everything in the world happen so perfectly, who formed the stars and oceans and ladybugs -- as a baby. Like us.

Seeing so many of my friends and relatives with new babies this past year, I look at their pictures and try to imagine God looking like that. And then I think about the little one growing inside of me, and realize God went through that part too...

The last part of the second verse really gets to me, even brings me to tears sometimes: "How His ears have heard an angel's symphony -- But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep..." Wow. I picture Mary cradling Him close, looking into His eyes, singing to Him as His eyes drift closed in peaceful sleep... Did she sing Psalms to Him? Did she realize she was actually holding and singing to the One those Psalms were written about and for? Was she a good singer? I'm sure it was nothing compared to the angelic choir He had just left... Yet there is nothing quite like the voice of a mother.

It's still a mystery to me...

mys*ter*y [mis-tuh-ree, -tree] -- noun
1. anything that is kept secret or remains unexplained or unknown
2. any affair, thing, or person that presents features or qualities so obscure as to arouse curiosity or speculation
-dictionary.com

Baby Roer

Sigh... I'm so bad at keeping journals! Whether it's a hand-written one or a typed-up one, I start so well then slack off...

Well, life is going to be changing dramatically for us! I'm 4 months pregnant! We've finally finished telling people in person and making it known on Facebook. My due date is May 15, which just happens to be 6 days before our 5-year anniversary. I know soooo many people who have birthdays in May...

We haven't decided yet if we're going to find out if it's a boy or girl. That appointment will be in another month or so. Part of me wants to find out, so we can settle on a name and start planning accordingly. If we do find out, I think we'll keep the name a secret. But part of me doesn't want to find out -- it's only been in recent years that the technology has become available, and people tell me "there's nothing like having just delivered your baby and hearing 'it's a....' " So I don't know...

I'm still pretty scared and nervous, but the excitement is growing too. I've never been much of a baby person -- in fact I tend to decline if people ask if I want to hold their baby. Especially really really little babies. I hope that'll be different when it's my own! We have so much to learn, but it sounds like we're going to have lots of help from friends and family, and I'm connected with a great ob office.

'Twill be an interesting journey...

Happy Christmas?

So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun...

I always feel a bit of a let-down this time of year. I love Christmas. I would listen to Christmas music in July if I could get away with it.

I think working in retail has taken it's toll on me. I start receiving boxed Christmas cards the week after Labor Day. Then it's go-go-go! If I'm not in the back room receiving more Christmas stuff, I'm working out on the floor helping cranky customers find the gifts they need.

Christmas Day arrives and I sleep in, breathe a sigh of relief, try to enjoy the day, then rush back to work early the next day to sticker Christmas stuff 50% off. The next few days the onslaught of people trickles away, and come New Year's we're back on our regular schedule.

Part of me is glad Christmas is over, yet part of me grieves. I finally slow down, but Christmas is done. The last few years I've felt this way too, and vow to not let it happen again. I decide the next year I'll take time during Advent to stop and contemplate Christmas for what it really is. And every year I fail. I forget. I don't make time. And I end up in this same place.

Humility

Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord
Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord
And he shall lift you up
Higher and higher
And he shall lift you up

hum·ble (hŭm'bəl) –adjective
1. not proud or arrogant; modest
2. having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.
3. low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly
4. courteously respectful
5. low in height, level, etc.; small in size
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/humble

We talked last week in church about why Jesus had to be born in Bethlehem. Sure the prophets had foretold it that way, but why Bethlehem? Why not Jerusalem, or some beautiful city in Montana? The Bible often mentions Bethlehem as a place of sorrow... Rachel died and was buried there, Ruth and Naomi returned to Bethlehem after their husbands died, Micah calls Bethlehem "small among the clans of Judah".

It was the ultimate act of humility. Philippians 2, one of my favorite passages, says that we should
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!"
(emphasis mine)

It goes along with what I wrote in my last post. I desire recognition, but I need to be humble. I need to always put others ahead of myself, not just in what I do but also what I think. My attitude should be the same as that of Jesus. After all, he left the glory and splendor of heaven to be born in a stable in the tiny town of Bethlehem...

Luke 1:30

"Don't be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God!"

Wow. How amazing would that be, to just be going through life serving and doing your thing, then all of a sudden you are told -- by an angel no less -- that you have found favor with God?! That is the ultimate compliment and confirmation that what you're doing is good and right!

I have long considered myself to be a people pleaser. I crave affirmation from everyone -- coworkers, family, friends... It's so hard for me to work at something with all my heart and serve only God and not people. I do love to serve, and I think it's one of my top spiritual gifts. And I won't give up serving just because I don't receive affirmation. I just long for an occasional pat on the back or heartfelt words that what I'm doing is good.

I need Mary's humble servant heart...

Restless

rest·less: [rest-lis] –adjective 1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood. 2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart. Synonyms: antsy, anxious, fidgety, on edge, unsettled.

I still feel kind of stuck in a rut, but not down as far as before. Now it's more of a "here-I-am-now-what-do-I-do-let-me-out-of-here" type of feeling. Life is going well, don't get me wrong, I just feel like there's more to what I'm supposed to do with it. Not that I have the time to pursue anything more. Work, council, praise band, GEMS, small groups keep me busy every week -- plus being a wife and a friend. I can't imagine what life would be like if we had kids.

It's almost like I'm feeling a pull toward something bigger. But I don't know what that is. A mission trip with FCS? Pursuing GEMS in Zambia? Visiting our friends who are teaching MK's in Africa? Or not that big? Something more local? Going deeper with the ministries closer to home?

I'm not content. I live a good life, but do the same motions every day. It feels so dry lately. All my life I've had major events to look forward to each year -- school starting, high school graduation, college, summer project, college graduation, our wedding... now what? Some people would tell me "kids", but I don't feel ready for that yet. Well, some days I do. But that's a topic for a whole nother post...

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" -Isaiah 30:21.

Let's try this again...

It's been nearly a year since my last entry. I don't even think anyone else reads this. But I feel the desire to write. I've been writing stories since I was 4 years old. I took composition classes in high school, and design and communications classes in college. I can't stay away from writing.

Today we sang a new song that Rocky wrote, simply called "Inside Out." The chorus says:
Living inside out, inside out
Make the love that You've placed in me
Radiate out of me
Inside out, inside out
May every piece of my heart be entirely Yours

I feel dry. Stuck in a rut. Just so-so. Blah. Maybe it's just because of lots of things here and there that have been sucking the life out of me. School has started and Rocky is trying to stay on top of things. A friend of his family passed away this week. I'm struggling with aspects of being a deacon and on the council in our church. I've been continually biting the same exact spot on my lip when I eat (not on purpose)...

I want to break out of this, yet I don't. "I just want to be mad for awhile..." Is it ok to feel this way sometimes? Will it make me appreciate the "highs" of my life more, after being stuck in some "lows"? Or do I need to just push myself to be happy all the time, the cheerful one, the encourager, the one who always seems to have it together?

There is a God

I’ve been working my way through the book The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. I’ve tried to read The Case for Christ a few times but always got bogged down with such scientific language, big words, long sentences, etc. I picked this one up and was immediately intrigued, maybe because he breaks down his “case” into different types of evidence – cosmology, physics, astronomy, biochemistry, biology, and consciousness – and a few of these topics really interest me. So, slowly but surely, I’ve been plugging away at it – and I’ve learned a whole lot.

I just finished the chapter called “Evidence for Astronomy: The Privileged Planet.” Wow. Things have been so fine-tuned for life to be possible on our planet that I can’t understand how people don’t believe in a Creator! Then today I heard a song on the radio that I’ve heard before but the lyrics really caught me this time. It’s called “There is a God”, by the group 33 Miles:

There’s a beauty to the dawn, a rhythm to the rain

A silence in the soul that I just can’t explain

There’s a breath of life I breathe, a beating i my heart

A magnificence, a scary sense of what lies past the stars

Beyond what we can see behind the mystery

I know that it could only be

There is a God; this is the proof

That all around the evidence is speaking the truth

From the center of my soul to the edge of the universe

Creation is crying out believe it or not

There is a God

There’s a debt that has been paid, a grace that I’ve been shown

A hope that I’ve been given that I have never known

There’s a love that conquers darkness a piece of life in me

There’s a life that’s not just here and now but for eternity

Beyond what we can see behind the mystery

I know that it could only be that

There is a God; this is the proof

That all around the evidence is speaking the truth

From the center of my soul to the edge of the universe

Creation is crying out believe it or not

There is a God

I believe it; I believe it

There is a God

I can feel it; I can feel it

There is a God

And the more I find the less I need to see

I’ve never been so sure, so sure of anything

Proof, evidence, mystery, universe… it’s totally what I’ve been reading about!

I am just so amazed at how God has created our world so perfectly. So many minute details have to be in place for life to be possible. Earth is positioned in the solar system in a place called the Circumstellar Habitable Zone, which is the region around a star where you can have liquid water on the surface of a planet. Closer to the sun, the water would evaporate. Farther, it would freeze. We also have a nearly perfect circular orbit around the sun, anything more elliptical would have dangerous temperature variations.

The position of our solar system in the Milky Way galaxy is amazing. First, a spiral galaxy’s “arms” are very dangerous, with lots of stars forming and others blowing up. And the nucleus of the spiral has a giant black hole. Too far from the nucleus and the heavy elements needed to form Earth-like planets aren’t abundant enough.

So here we are. In the safe zone between spiral arms, not too close but not too far from the center.

And then there’s the whole dimension of evidence that suggests the world was created so we could have the adventure of exploring it – take a solar eclipse for example. A total eclipse is possible because the sun is 400 times larger than the moon, but also 400 times further away. It creates a perfect match! And while solar eclipses are amazing to experience, they have also taught scientists about scientific discoveries and the nature of stars.

I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of what all this one chapter in this book gives as evidence for a Creator. I found myself picturing our Earth (in the small habitable zone!) as a tiny part of the Milky Way galaxy (in the safe zone!) as a tiny part of a big, black universe. God is so big, and He put things together so perfectly… I love the last paragraph of the chapter:

“If God so precisely and carefully and lovingly and amazingly constructed a mind-boggling habitat for his creatures, then it would be natural for him to want them to explore it, to measure it, to investigate it, to appreciate it, to be inspired by it – and ultimately, and most importantly, to find him through it.”

There IS a God – and so much evidence for him!

Lifesong

Empty hands held high, such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life, I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say, and the things I do
Make my lifesong sing, bring a smile to you

Let my lifesong sing to you
Let my lifesong sing to you
I want to sign your name to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you

Lord, I give my life, a living sacrifice
To reach a world in need, to be your hands and feet

So may the words I say, and the things I do
Make my lifesong sing, bring a smile to you

Let my lifesong sing to you
Let my lifesong sing to you
I want to sign your name to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Let my lifesong sing to you


I never realized how simple of a song this was until I typed it out! A two-line verse, a two-line prechorus, a chorus, and another 2-line verse. And a simple two-line bridge. Is that a reflection of how simple my lifesong should be?

“My friends, what good is it to say you have faith, when you don't do anything to show that you really do have faith?” (James 2:14 CEV)
While my good works do not give me salvation and eternal life, faith without works is dead. So many people today claim to be a Christian but don’t live it. It’s the hypocrites that turn people away from Christianity.

I don’t want to be like that. I want to be different. Last Friday night I went to my home County 4H Fair to help judge, and my prayer as I drove up there was that I realize how much of a Christian bubble I live in, and here was an opportunity to shine my light to others.

Even in my own job, in a Christian bookstore, customers and employees alike will often test my patience. I have to hold my tongue when coworkers complain about anything and everything, and tell myself to be calm when people get upset when we don’t have a book in stock that they want.

I can’t change other people’s attitudes and lifestyles, just my own. I am not responsible for them. I’m not perfect; I never will be. It’s tough, because I am such a people-pleaser. I want people to like me. But that should not be my goal. In everything I say and do, my goal needs to be to just want to make Jesus smile. At the end of my day all I want is to hear him say “well done.” What about you? How are your priorities? Just something to think about…